Hurts Like Feels
by Kawaii uke27
Summary: Sam and Dean free Castiel from Lucifer's hold; however, things don't go the way the brothers had hoped. Be prepared for tears. Destiel. Rated T for slight language. Read and Review. I apologize for your tears should you shed them.
A/N: I think I have a thing for writing stories based off of songs. I guess it's because they are such good inspirational tools. This song though...gives me Destiel feels all the way to my core, man. Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

Dean and Sam had managed to finally force Lucifer out of Cas after their showdown. It had been one hell of a fight; Sam had broken his arm again and had to have stitches for the gash above his eye. Dean had gotten away with only a few bruises and a busted lip. Lucifer had gotten away, leaving Cas collapsed on the ground like a broken doll. Sam and Dean wanted to go after him, but Castiel was more important. Dean gently rolled the angel over and felt a pang shoot through his heart; he looked awful. He was also...unresponsive. "Cas...Cas, hey, come on, man. It's me, Dean. Wake up," Dean said, shaking Cas' limp body. The angel didn't say anything. Panic began to rise in the hunter's chest as he grabbed the unconscious man's face in his hands. "Cas!" Sam put his hand over the angel's chest and waited a few moments, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Dean watched helplessly, holding on to the small amount of hope he had left. Sam slowly lifted his eyes and met his brother's gaze. "Dean...he's not...I'm sorry," he said softly. Dean started to shake his head, tried to say that there was no way, that he could fix it. Sam put his hand on Dean's shoulder and bowed his head, his hair covering his eyes. "No," Dean whispered. Dean felt a sob rising in his throat, but he forced it down; there was no way in hell he was going to cry in front of Sammy. Sam could only watch his brother struggle with his inner turmoil, his heart steadily aching. He tried not to flinch as Dean fixed his cold stare in his direction. Sam expectantly waited for his brother to tell him that he was fine, like he always did.

"Damn you, you son of a bitch!" Dean said instead, cursing in the direction Lucifer had escaped. Sam looked at Cas' still face and swallowed the thick lump in his throat. Although he knew that there was nothing that he could do, Sam had a small nagging sense in the back of his mind that he should've done something. He wanted to tell Dean that there was a way to bring the angel back, but his logic bitch-slapped him with reality; Castiel was dead and Sam was going to have to live with the heartbroken Dean. He would have to be the one to hear the muffled crying at night, the fits of anger, and the expression of grief and defeat on Dean's face. "I'm...I'm going to get some air," Sam said standing, "Take all the time you need, Dean." His brother barely looked up as Sam slowly walked out of the room. Dean cleared his throat and wiped at his face. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He got up and paced the room. He knocked over a pole and it clanged to the floor loudly. Dean went to grab it then gave up, slumping to the floor with his head in his hands. Suddenly, Cas' eyes opened and he gasped for air, back arching in pain. "Cas! Hey, hey, I'm here, buddy. I'm here," Dean said, nearly crying in relief. He crawled over to the seizing man and gathered him in his arms. The feeling of helplessness was steadily growing as he could only watch Cas, the only person that he loved just as much as Sammy, suffer. After what seemed to be the worst ten minutes of his life, Cas went limp again. Dean tugged him up against his chest before the man's head could hit the floor. "Hello...Dean," Cas croaked. Dean was panting as he frantically looked around for something, for someone to help him. But the only person around to call to was Sam and he was outside by the Impala. "D-don't worry, Cas. Sammy and I will fix this, we can fix you and make you better. We-," he cut off as Cas' hand lifted shakily. It clamped down on Dean's shoulder and, as it did, Dean felt a single tear run down his cheek. "Don't...cry, Dean," Cas rasped, using his thumb to wipe away the tear. His blue eyes were heavy-lidded and were focused on Dean intensely.

"Dean...he broke my vessel. It's-it's completely damaged on the inside. I don't think th-that I'll be able to stay this time," Cas struggled to say. The words slammed into Dean like an angel blade. "Cas, you can't die, damn it! You can't...we went through so much to save you," he said, his voice cracking. Dean found himself cradling Cas' face in his hands, his thumbs against his cheekbones. Cas nodded sadly, wincing a little as he did so. "I know, Dean, I know." Cas' hand rested halfway on Dean's neck and halfway on his cheek. His other hung limply over the ground with his fingers brushing the dirt. "Hold on, I'll go get Sam," Dean said. Cas stopped him by grasping his shirt in his other hand. "No...no, stay here. Stay with me, Dean. Please," he coughed. Dean's eyes widened as a trickle of blood ran down from the corner of Cas' mouth. "Dean...," Cas mumbled something inaudible. Dean had to lean down close in order to hear what he'd said. "What? I couldn't hear you," he said. Cas closed his eyes for a few moments then stared directly into Dean's. "Sing for me. Would you?" he asked. Dean's heart twisted and he had to fight down a sob. Of course he would do it; it was Cas after all. Dean would do anything for him. "What-what song, buddy? Pick something...anything you want," he said, clearing the lump from his throat. Castiel was silent, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. "I..I don't know the name of it. You were humming it once in your sleep," he said. Dean paled; the angel's voice was so faint now.

Desperately, Dean wracked his brain for what Cas was talking about. He looked down at Castiel in surprise as the angel began to hum softly; he'd never heard Cas sing before. Dean, realizing what song he was referring to, couldn't stop the tears that slid down his cheeks. " _How can I say this without breaking_?"he sang, _"How can I say this without taking over? How can I put it down into words when it's almost too much for my soul alone_?" Cas, though faint, sang with him. An overwhelming sense of deja-vu came over Dean and he paused for a moment, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Why did this feel familiar, his singing with a dying Castiel? Though a part of him felt that it was a different song, Dean couldn't help but get the sensation that he had done this before. Perhaps in another life. It was because of this feeling that Dean's grief and sadness snapped his self-control. His voice was thick with tears as he continued the song. " _I loved and I loved and I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you. And it hurts like hell. Yeah, it hurts like hell_." With each lyric, Dean's heart broke a little bit more, piece by piece. He felt as though the words were like an ocean wave, crashing into him with each passing moment. The pain he was experiencing was far worse than anything he had ever felt before, including the years he had been in actual hell. " _I don't want them to know the secrets. I don't want them to know the way I loved you. I don't think they'd understand it, no. I don't think they would accept me, no_ ," Dean sang. He wanted to smash something, cry, scream until his lungs couldn't take it. Most of all he wanted Castiel to live.

Castiel never took his eyes off of Dean as he listened and hummed along to the hunter's beautiful voice. He could feel the strength ebbing away, but all he cared about was Dean. That's all he'd ever truly cared about. He and Sam were everything to him. Cas was overwhelmed by sadness and his love for the distraught hunter holding him tightly. He wanted to stay with Dean, to ease the suffering and agony he was going through, but he knew that he couldn't. He had tried so hard...so hard to save Dean, so hard to make his life peaceful. But, in the end, he had failed. All he had wanted to do was to make Dean smile again; the hunter was so serious all the time and so full of aching emptiness. Cas wanted to make all that go away. His lips curled up into a small smile and tears pricked the corners of his eyes. " _I loved and I loved and I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you. And it hurts like hell. Yeah, it hurts like hell_ ," he sang softly, his raspy voice joining Dean's smooth one. It was strange. Castiel had thought that he would be more accepting of his death. But all he wanted now was to be with Dean. It was as though...the two were being reunited after being separated for a very, very long time. Castiel didn't understand the feeling within his chest, but he did know that he would fight with everything he had to stay conscious for Dean, even if it meant hurting himself in the process. " _Dreams_ _fight with machines inside my head like adversaries. Come wrestle me free, clean from the war. Your heart fits like a key into the lock on the wall._

 _"I turn it over, I turn it over. But I can't escape. I turn it over, I turn it over,"_ Dean sang, his voice breaking between words. Cas' breathing was slowing down now and his grip on Dean's shirt was gradually loosening. Dean, without thinking, grabbed Cas' hand in his and held it firmly. Castiel's other hand, the one resting against the hunter's neck, wiped away another tear. Dean stopped singing, his chest tight and his body shaking. His eyes roamed over Cas' face, commiting each feature to memory. There was a part of him that had the sense that he didn't have much time left with the angel he had come to love. Dean felt something click within him and he suddenly realized that it was true; he was in love with Castiel. There was no use denying it anymore. Another wave of grief, stronger than the first, crashed down on him; he was going to lose him. Again. "Cas...I-," he began before words failed him. Cas didn't seem to mind. The angel simply gazed up at him, his eyes blue and shiny with tears. "Dean...," he whispered. The hunter who was afraid of flying and the fallen angel could find no other words to say, for nothing could describe the intense emotion surrounding them. Dean leaned down, the hand cupping Cas' cheek tilting the angel's face up. He softly pressed his lips to Cas' and his eyes fluttered shut. Cas allowed the tears to flow as he kissed the hunter back. The kiss held a sort of fragility about it; each little movement of their lips together was so tender and soft.

Dean pulled Cas closer, pressing their mouths together fully. Cas released Dean's red shirt and brought his hand up to cover Dean's. The hunter memorized everything: the stubble on Cas' face rubbing against his palm, his warm breath brushing against his lips, the slightly chapped feeling of his lips moving with his. When they finally pulled away from one another, Dean couldn't bring himself to move away completely. He rested his forehead against Cas', his green eyes searching within the blue of the angel's. "Dean?" Cas breathed. His voice rose barely above a whisper. Dean hummed in the back of his throat. "I don't think you'll be able to bring me back. I won't be going to heaven this time. Wherever I go, I'll wait for you. Okay?" Dean swallowed hard and he managed a small smile. "I don't have the best track record up there anyway, so I might be joining you when the time comes. Save a spot for me," he joked weakly. Smiling, Cas grasped Dean's face in his hands and ran his thumb over his cheek. "See you then." He brought their lips together softly and leaned into the crook of Dean's arm. "I love you, you know." Then, without another sound, Cas shut his eyes and his head dipped to the side. Dean grabbed at Cas' hands as they fell from his face. "No, no, Cas! Cas!" he cried, his eyes frantically scanning for any sign of life in the angel. Castiel did not respond; he was gone. Dean, still in denial, gathered Cas up in his arms, hugging him. Cas' body slumped against him and Dean's fingers entangled themselves in his black hair.

He rocked back and forth, hugging Cas to him desperately. "CAS!" he shouted. His voice echoed against the empty room's walls. He buried his face into the crook of Cas' neck, trying to stifle the wrenching sobs erupting from his chest. " _I loved and I loved and I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you. I loved and I loved and I lost you. And it hurts like hell_ ," Dean sang, hot tears staining his cheeks. His fingers clutched at Cas' trench coat and its smooth material acted like a security blanket; if he didn't have it, he would surely go insane. A dim light shone against his closed eyelids and he immediately opened them. The angel was enveloped in a blueish white light. As the light got brighter and brighter, Dean had no choice but to shut his eyes again. Something brushed softly against his cheek, like someone pressing a farewell kiss or the final caress of a hand. Then, the light flashed brilliantly and, as quickly as it arrived, it ebbed away almost instantly. Dean peeked an eye open and looked down at Cas' body. But instead of flesh and bone, the only thing left of the beloved man was his trench coat, still clenched in the hunter's hand. Dean stared at the bare ground beneath him and unthinkingly cradled the trench coat to him.

He stood, wobbling a little, and shuffled forward. Dean's body moved almost with mind of its own, carrying him to Sam, who was waiting. He saw Dean's knees buckle and rushed over to catch him before he hit the dirt. "Dean. Dean, come on," Sam said. He struggled a little with his brother's dead-weight and managed to get his hands on Dean's shoulders. Sam blanched as Dean's emotionless gaze rose to meet his eyes. "Cas...he's gone, Sammy. He's...d-," Dean choked, unable to finish his statement. Sam thought he'd be prepared for his older brother's grief, but this was completely different from what he was expecting. He figured Dean would be his usual cold self, filled with anger and claiming that he was dealing with it. Sam could see it all over Dean's face; he was **not** dealing with it. He was absolutely **not** fine and it sent a cold chill up Sam's spine. "Dean-," he began but seeing the trench coat silenced him. It was crumpled up against his brother's chest. Seeing it, Sam put two and two together and felt a sharp pang in his heart. "He was alive, Sammy. I held him and sang to him as he died in my arms," Dean croaked. He didn't even struggle as Sam helped him into the passenger seat of the Impala. He sat there, staring blankly out of the windshield. Sam got into the driver's side and shut the door. Dean barely flinched as his brother started the Impala's engine.

As they drove in silence, Sam kept glancing over at Dean, worry etched into his expression. "What else happened, Dean?" he asked, immediately regretting it. Dean's eyes closed and the look of misery on his face was enough to break Sam's heart. He opened his mouth to apologize, to take back his question, but Dean beat him to it. "I kissed him." Sam's eyebrows shot to his hairline in surprise and his fingers tightened in the steering wheel. "You what?" Dean opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling of the Impala. "He told me-," he said, his breath hitching, "He said that he loved me, Sam." The hunter suddenly slammed his fist on the dashboard, making Sam jump. He leaned his forehead against the window, hands clenched so tightly in his lap that his knuckles were turning white. Sam was quiet, his surprise fading away. Truthfully, Sam had already known. He knew that there was a strong bond between the angel and the hunter, along with an underlying intense sense of love. It would occasionally make Sam jealous, the overwhelming love that Cas had felt towards his brother; it was, at times, stronger than their brotherly affection. Sam also knew that, although it must have frustrated Castiel greatly, Dean was completely clueless of his feelings. That is, until now. They sat in silence again with Dean staring out the window and Sam focusing on the road. Sam released the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding and guided the Impala into a motel parking lot. For a moment, the brothers remained in the Impala, sitting idly in the parking spot. The red neon light of the sign blinked on and off, its glow lighting up Dean's face. He had his jaw clenched and his eyes were glaring at the numbers on the motel doors.

"I'm going to go pay for a room. Do you want to stay here?" Sam asked cautiously. Dean said nothing. Sighing, Sam got out of the car and made his way over to the motel's office. Dean watched him go out of the corner of his eye. "Cas, I know you probably can't hear me, but I wanted to say at least this last thing to you. Are you listening?" Dean rasped out brokenly. The silence in the car sent a sharp throb through is already aching heart. "You told me that you loved me, before...you left. I didn't realize it until too late, but I wanted to tell you...I wanted-," he trailed off, a stray tear gliding down his cheek. He wiped it away with a shuddering breath and cleared his throat. "Jeez, can you believe this? I'm blubbering like a chick. Get it together, Dean," the hunter said through forced laughter. He sniffed and glanced up down at the trench coat. He carefully took it and folded it as gently as he could. It sat snugly on his lap, warming his legs. He placed his palm over it and felt the texture of the fabric against his skin. "I love you too, you stupid angel. You hear me?" he said roughly. The song made more sense now. He didn't think that anything could hurt more than what he'd already gone through, with all the deaths he'd experienced. Castiel was different. ' _You're different.'_ Dean flinched the memory of Cas saying those exact words to him. It really did hurt like hell. "I have to get you back, man. I need you here. I can't so this without you," he said. Dean glanced back down at the trench coat and nodded determinedly. Sam finished paying the motel lady and stuffed the keys into his jacket pocket. He chewed on his lower lip worriedly and turned on his heel. Sam ignored the lady's annoyed sigh and opened the door to the office, the attached bell clanging noisily. He flipped his wallet closed and stuffed it into the back of his jeans. As he neared the Impala, he noticed that the passenger side door was open. Panicking, Sam rushed over to the car, sliding on the hood, and looked inside. Dean...was gone.

A/N: My soul hurts after writing this. I actually legitimately cried. The song is called Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie, in case you're interesting in listening to it. I recommend not listening to it while reading, mainly to save your poor hearts. I hope you enjoyed this. I tried my best to keep them in character, though I feel as though I might have strayed off a little bit. Sorry! Review please. :3


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